Begin

I started to make good on what once I had planned doing. I used to think that being someone who teaches means being sure completely of one's confidence to know the lesson. It would be a shame not knowing the answer to something or answering wrongly. But then again, no one can be that perfect in their first time. Everyone got to start from somewhere. My first time teaching (or what should be more compelling to be called "tutoring"), I was shaky and not sure what I was doing. In my experience, it is the student who should do more asking. I was supposed to be there only to provide answers to questions he might have had problem with, so I was rather caught off guard when he said he didn't know what part of the lesson to learn. It was rather thrilling for someone who barely knows how to keep a conversation for more than a minute with everyone. At the same time, I didn't care if I screwed up my first time because let's face it: this is my way of learning to be a lecturer someday, which is what I have been yearning to be. I was glad I brought my TOEFL book with me so I had him learn a thing or two about grammar and error recognition. I only hope this could be somewhat something that I would be grateful to remember doing.

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I don't feel good. I'm not cut out for this world. I hope this is not only my imagination. I might have delete this post in the morning. I'm not cut out for this world. I'm not cut out for this world. I'm not cut out for this world.

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Is love really that blind and stupid?

I don't know much about love. For me, I don't think there will ever be the time when we finally figure out what love is and how love actually works. And I'm not talking about the scientific way, it's more about what love makes you feel, and that... how hard it is to understand the action of those who fall in love.

Have you ever seen an ugly guy with a girl who's definitely out of his league? Did you ever wonder how in the world they could end up being together? Or, if you feel like you're the most awkward guy you ever know of, then suddenly this girl reached out to you and she fell over her head for you? I know some of you must have thought she was a gold digger by now but what if, there was no way she could have known you were loaded? You're not decent, you're ugly, everybody except her hates you, and yet she fell in love with you deeply.

All of it scares me. All of the you-can't-understand-love-by-using-logic and the love-is-not-something-you-have-control-of are frightening. I don't get it, and no matter how I look at it, it doesn't get easier to have a grasp on.

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Illusion

I realized how things seem to be and how things actually are sometimes differ. The thoughts in my head are sometimes just the fraction of what I perceive things around me to be. I heard a few experiences about those who have some kind of PTSD or are delusional. They keep imagining things that are not supposed to happen. If I were to do self-labelling, I would say I might have the tendency to be delusional, but I'm not going to do that. I do sometimes have assumptions about things that later in the future, I realized those weren't true. I also had my doubt but those feelings seemed to be so real. It's as if when you see someone fall, but when you ask others whether they saw it too, they denied seeing anything. You turn around and the guy you saw was falling was nowhere to be found. It seemed real, and you couldn't help thinking it was your imagination but you weren't too convinced either. I'm curious of how other people live their life. Do they also think like this? Is it wrong to be certain of the things you think are real even though they're not? Am I the only one?

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Get Away

I really needed to get away from things today. I couldn't see things clearly, and everything seemed to be too much to bear. I felt it again, the sense of feeling that makes me feel small and the world is much bigger, ready to stomp on me any second it forgets I am nearby. All I could think of was how much I needed to be away from all of this. I know that I have many flaws that no one similar should have. I knew this a long time ago and even though there was a time when it was eating me up, I already made a recovery by not thinking about it too much and just living my life being carefree. Today, I couldn't help self-reflecting.  I was afraid of everything, of life, of the fact that all these burdens on my shoulder have become unbearable. I kept thinking I shouldn't have bitten more than I could chew and now I'm being reminded again how bad I am at living my life. I began to regret all decisions I made all over again even though I have reached the point of letting it pass. The wall I've been trying to build once again becomes vulnerable and I'm afraid of breaking. Shit, I can't deal with this, I need to get away.

Food for My Tummy

I noticed that I haven't been eating as much as I used to these lately. Usually some people would take that as an achievement, but I have been trying to keep my weight in check. That means no getting lower nor getting higher. I don't know what came over me. Losing appetite like this didn't use to be something I have to worry about. I think it began since the last time I got bedridden. I was so sick that I couldn't even finish a small portion of rice with fried chicken without feeling an urge to throw up. Funny, aren't our body supposed to yearn more for food when we're sick? I've always thought people should have more appetite to help them back on their feet than they do when they're healthy. Vina said she wanted me to keep my tummy stay this big because it looked cute according to her. She also said it made her easier and more comfortable to hug me from behind. Again, according to her. So from this now on, I'm going to find a way to get my appetite back so I wouldn't lose this tummy. I could order a large pizza and eat it by myself, or just eat any greasy food a lot. These kind of food always find their ways into turning on my "haven't-eaten-in-a-year" mode.